The 4 Words That Stop a Tug-of-War Conversation Before It Starts

July, 2026

The win: One simple question that helps your team see that changing their minds is a strength, making it easier to stay curious, have better conversations, and get unstuck in arguments.

Both Sides Now

Organizational psychologist Adam Grant has built a habit of asking people, “What have you rethought lately?” It’s his way of tapping into what experts in every field are learning, questioning, and changing their minds about. Turns out, it’s just as effective in your next team meeting.

How it works:

Pose one question to the group: “What’s something you’ve recently changed your mind on?” Give your team a few minutes to think – sometimes this can be a tricky question to answer.
Go around and share. It can be as light as a food you used to hate (“I thought tuna melts were gross until I tried one last month”) or something more personal. Everyone chooses how deep they go.
Then, follow up with: “What actually changed it?” (a conversation, an experience, new data, etc)

Facilitation Tips:

The facilitator goes first, to set the tone and model the depth level – pro tip, don’t share your deepest most personal thinking here, but it also doesn’t have to be superficial.
For bigger groups, do 5-6 minutes in pairs first, then invite 2-3 people to share with the whole room.

Why it works: for productive dialogue, especially in times of disagreement, you need practice noticing that your own mind is changeable. This proves it in under ten minutes, without anyone having to defend a position.

The win: a good laugh after a long month.

The win: A simple swap to help you end that argument you keep having, whether it’s about deadlines, budget, or who’s loading the dishwasher.

The 4 Words That Stop a Tug-of-War Conversation Before It Starts

TLDR: Most disagreements turn into a tug of war: you argue why they’re wrong, they dig in on why they’re right, nobody moves. Flip the order, start with where they’re right, and the whole conversation changes. Sounds counterintuitive, but it might just be the thing that gets you unstuck. Read on to see how you can put this into practice and end the tug of war conversation that’s not getting anywhere.

Here’s what a tug of war conversation often sounds like: “Here’s where you’re wrong…” followed by “Here’s where I’m right…”

Both people are pulling in opposite directions, and the harder one side pulls, the more the other side digs in. Nobody’s moving. You’re just getting tired.

The way out isn’t pulling harder. It’s letting go of the rope first.

Next time a conversation starts turning into a tug of war, you can quickly turn it around with these four words:

“Here’s where you’re right….”

Then you are set for a getting unstuck conversation.

The Getting Unstuck Process

Flip the script. Instead of ‘Here’s where you’re wrong…’ start with: Here’s where you’re right…

Immediately they’ll be surprised, their shoulders will drop, and they’ll actually start listening instead of formulating their own argument in their head as you talk.

Here is how Step 1 works – say “Here’s where you’re right…” and actually explore the value in the other person’s point of view before you defend your own. Not “I hear you, but…” Just genuinely name what’s true about their side.

Then use the next 3 steps to get unstuck.

2. “Here’s where I can go wrong…” Acknowledge the downside of your own point of view when you take it too far. This is the step most people want to skip, but it demonstrates that you truly want to make progress, not just ‘win’ the argument.

3. “Here’s where I’m right too…” Now make your case. It actually gets heard, because you’ve already shown you’re not just digging in.

4. “So, where do we go from here?” Move from defending positions to solving the actual problem, together.

Example – here’s how to use the getting unstuck prompts during a tug of war conversation over how much money to spend during a renovation:

Here’s where you’re right…

I know sticking to our budget means we ensure we have funds for all the other things we want to do this year like travel, etc.

Here’s where I’m wrong…

And I know if I go over budget and spend more than we should, we will end up regretting this entire renovation.

Here’s where I’m right too…

At the same time, I don’t want to repurchase items in the next year because we cut corners and were too cheap.

Where do we go from here…?

So can we get clear and make a list of which parts of the reno we want to save our money and where we might want to spend a bit more investing in those things only once?

Try it next time you feel you are heading into a tug of war:

Next time you feel yourself lining up your argument for why they’re wrong, start with the opposite instead. Say where they’re right first. Then follow it up with the getting unstuck prompts and see what happens to the conversation.

Want your leaders using tools like this the next time real conflict shows up?

If you find your team stuck in tug of war conversations, our The Power of Healthy Tension half-day workshop teaches tools like this to help your teams and leaders improve communication and get unstuck. Let’s chat!

“I didn't believe virtual workshops could be so fun and engaging; now I do.

The sessions were perfect in length and delivered in a dynamic way to keep everyone active and engaged.”

Taranjeet Singh, President

Centennial College Student Association Inc.

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Christy Bloemendal

Christy takes great pride in designing our business operations to ensure our clients get the first-class experience they can expect when collaborating with Leaders for Leaders. When facilitating, she is dedicated to helping teams with the courage, skills, and knowledge needed to tackle complex challenges head-on. Christy has worked as a teacher, university instructor, and school leader, honing her ability to design and deliver exceptional learning experiences for all ages. Her hope for everyone she works with is that they leave energized and empowered to increase their effectiveness and capacity in both their professional and personal lives.